Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
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Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Spell check is for lasers.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”