*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
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“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh