ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
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You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
ok like just. call me at this point
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though