Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
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We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Food gives you energy to nap more.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
can’t talk my ride’s here
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.