Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
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ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”