My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
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Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
mariah carrie
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.