my astrological sign is a french fry
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Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.