I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
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Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me