My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
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in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.