Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
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I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
I’d rather go liquor treating.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.