People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
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having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets