Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
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Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
I like long walks away from everyone
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean