12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
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Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.