*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
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Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.