Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
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My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer