I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
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“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Every haunted house movie:
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.