You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
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Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Awwwww shit.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”