Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
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I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt