SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Salad is the decaf of food.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
#polloftheday
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.