me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
You Might Also Like
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*