me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
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I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Breaking news:
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie