Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
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My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Just as the prophecy foretold
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.