surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
You Might Also Like
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.