I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
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“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.