sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
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Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”