Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
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If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”