I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
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HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
at ease…shoulder.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Can’t. Being lazy.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity