I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
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if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day