in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
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Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Catering service
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*