I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
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I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.