[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
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[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Siri, fight Alexa.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.