*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
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The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.