I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
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Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Morning my dudes.
Meat Cute
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
This is amazing.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…