{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
You Might Also Like
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
#Caturday