I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
You Might Also Like
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target