noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
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The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Nomnomnomnom