Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
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coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
A small tragedy.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary