My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
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I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on