Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
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When they try to steal your moment.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey鈥ou have no idea
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
GOD: there, my first animal 馃檪
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Don鈥檛 waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
just had a salad but it didn鈥檛 make me laugh like women in stock photos
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That鈥檚 why it鈥檚 crazy for me to go to work
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I鈥檓 in my 40s I can say that I was right
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 馃ぃ
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
[at the office]
Secretary: There鈥檚 a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
I identify with this toooooo much. 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons