[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
You Might Also Like
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
See..?
.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
dictator is short for richard potato
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane