Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
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Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
This probably isn’t good
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music