While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
You Might Also Like
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
“OMGJK” -atheists
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!