A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
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Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Not😆🤣
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.