Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
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My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
*mops up wine with cat*
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
I put the hot in psychotic.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
HOW DARE YOU
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”