“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
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narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
I’ve been learning to cook.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.