Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
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My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.