how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
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I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Nigella has gone too far this time.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.