Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
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My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep