British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
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send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
buys donuts instead
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes: