I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
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Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
technically true but not a great slogan
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Bobby pin